June 01/08

I think we could all agree that celebrities in all forms of entertainment, including motorsports, have big egos. Race car drivers need one to take that extra risk when necessary but a larger than life ego can lead to unnecessary risk-taking and busted up equipment. I have been on both sides of this equation because I deal with my own big ego. Yea, Yea, I know that is hard to believe but it’s true. At one time our Northern Force cars ‘ruled the roost’ at national events and match races.

I enjoy winning and the spoils of victory and have had some pretty neat deals to celebrate. But, here is the problem. It is true that as a driver I receive much of the credit but I need more. What I would like to be able to do is sit in the stands with my fans to share in the glory as I watch myself go down the track. But I’d also like to be on the starting line with my crew guys to share in that experience. I want it all...from every perspective. As the driver, I’m sometimes the last to know how the race went. I know there are communication systems but my self-interest would not tolerate my crew chief, through some speaker in my helmet, hollering at me to lift before I cross the centerline or hit something. Every run is ‘balls to the wall’ to feed my ego. But sadly, I need more. And now, ladies and gentleman, the painful truth. I have a condition that is called I.E.S.S. (Inadequate Ego Satisfaction Syndrome). There it is, out in the open. I can feel your sorrow but let’s continue.

I have suffered with I.E.S.S. for years but one of the worst cases I can remember was while driving John Rossitter’s Top Alcohol Funny Car at the Snowbird Winter Series in Bradenton, Florida. It was a National Hot Rod Association sanctioned event and as such class records could be established and certified. During qualifying we ran the fastest speed ever for a Top Alcohol Funny Car. At this time the class was dominated by the Castrol sponsored car of Pat Austin from Tacoma, Washington. For our speed to be a record we had to back it up by one percent. In eliminations we had lane choice. John was on his game and took the right side because “the car seems happy over there”. Most crew chiefs and drivers rejected that lane because there was an uneven transition between the concrete starting line and asphalt that threw the car around. It was a handful to control but that is what my ego was for and this event was shaping up to very satisfying. We set the record in the semi-finals and topped that off with a final round win. It was awesome! I was applauded by John and the crew, other racers and many fans. But something was missing. I still needed more. I was not celebrating like I should have been and this was noticed by a couple of the crewmembers. Yes folks, it was I.E.S.S. at its worst. I wanted to share in the excitement the instant the scoreboards flashed up the speed record or the win. I wanted to be with the crew, jumping up and down on the starting line as the crowd cheered, everyone knowing they had been a part of and witnessed something special. But I was in the car, getting it slowed down from nearly two hundred and forty miles per hour. But of course, I wanted that too.

Later, as I watched the video of this, my depression grew. Then Gloria came to my aid. The girl who thought of the Northern Force name looked at me in a pathetic sort of way and said “Why the hell don’t you just clone yourself?” The solution was brilliant! Ever since ‘Dolly the sheep’ was cloned in Europe I had been following the advancements of science in this area. Quite frankly, I am now ready to give my body to the scientific community to become the first cloned ego-maniac. No more frustrating issues with I.E.S.S. for this guy. I think that six of me would be sufficient to enjoy myself from multiple viewing positions. My satisfaction and contentment with myself will be complete from every aspect. Even my conversations will take on a new appeal as me and my clones endlessly congratulate ourselves. For those of you who were kind enough to have purchased one of my t-shirts that say ‘Blast off with Bogus...A Legend in His Own Mind’, you can now magic-marker in ‘A Legend in Many Minds’.

My life is now complete. Egocentrics rejoice. Goodbye I.E.S.S.! Hello more pleasure and self gratification. Hey now, you know what I mean.

That’s why they call me ‘Bogus’